June 28, 2011

7 Reasons Why

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Written by: Nate Andrews
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7 Reasons Why


I don’t expect much form the internet.

As a totally current and informed gamer, I know my opinion to be not only valid but taken as solid-gold fact by the many people that don’t care as much as I do. And brother, believe me, no one cares as much as this guy–me.

So when I see problems arisen in the industry of gaming which I love, I feel provoked to intervene in the only way that I know how, and thats by spreading the healing powers of my devastating truth to the uninformed loosers I see complaining on a regular base.

See they don’t appreciate the video games as much as I do. Theres a reason I have so many posts in the forums and points in my gamerscore and tattoos of Master Cheif and a Dongdongo on my arms and a clever t-shirt in my closet that says “blow me” with a NES cart on the front–its because I care, because I’ve put my time in, and because I know what the hell I’m talking about when I say that the PS3 version of BLOPS and the new emo Dante and the control stick thing on the 3DS all suck a donkeys penis. You can count on it, because it was me that said those things.

7rw-insert-1Above: Fact.

Don’t get me wrong hear: I love video games probably more than anything. But it straight up infuriates me when I see all sort of changes being made to suit a new casual audience. Developers hafta realize that there better off making games good and hard and cool like they did with Starcraft 64 or Vice City or Madden 07. All you see now a days is a flood of games made for an undeserving group of people–seriously if I see another game with pinatas or pikmans or dolls inside of other dolls inside of third dolls that fart, I’m gonna put my SNES in the ground and hold a funeral for hardcore gaming. This industry was built open the backs of dedicated gamers that expect the most out of a game when we gotta lay down $60 dollars for it. Basically, they should make more 9s and 10s, instead of the lousy 7s and 8s we get shafted with these days.

Speaking of which, I feel it is my duty as a independent and qualified critique of the games industry to call for and end to the injustices in game reviews. Half of the stuff I read these days is “meaning” this and “experience” that and words all over the page that aren’t telling me about twelve different ways I can kick a dudes ass or how it’s awesome like I knew it’d be ever since I saw that trailer and it looked pretty dope. I feel like we’re on a slippery slope when it comes down to reviews. When [GAME] came out and the fans wanted 10s and shit and all the reviews gave was a buncha 9s and I think maybe a 10, nobody complained enough. That’s the problem, nobody holds these people responsible when they totally have a fuck up of massive porportions, and also there writing is weak. You’d think that they’d maybe fire that guy or make him review Wii stuff for awhile. But no, once agian, they get to say whatever ballsey slander and liable they want about a game, even when it deserves a better score and us as fans and consumers know it. At least with the internet and comments and blogs and such we can object to their tearany, and give a game the score it actually deserves without a mess of meaningless words getting in the way.

Because we’re a powerful, adaptable, respectful community with a rich culture, and we know what it is that real gamers want. Things that really make a game good, and memorable, like a bitchin multiplayer mode I can play when the campaign blows. I maybe woulda of played more Super Mario: Galaxy 2 than I did if it had real online modes–it didn’t, as I found out, which made it like a 7 in my book but they gave it 10s anyways because it’s Mario. Hopefully, the MP rumors will be true for Mass Effect 3 and Batman 2, cause that would make me actually looking forward to when they come out. Anyways, another thing games need is better crafted romance scenes but I don’t actually mean romance–I mean “romance”. Like when that girl from Heavy Rain got actual naked and you could see it. It was a glitch I think but it wouldn’t be a glitch when they put it into the games for real. I’m not a massagenist or anything, I just think that if movies can have serious, meaningful scenes of banging and have that be okay than why can’t there be more hot sex and sex-related content in my video games. Its what alot of gamers such as me want, so Microsoft and Sony and them would be wise to bring the sexy (probably not Nintendo though, they’d just mess it up).


Above: Romance.

And it’s not like they can’t bring some dudes once in a while to apease the chick gamers out there (email me). Heck, weve already gotten some in Marcus and Dom and Wolverine and James Bond and Samus right? So it’s not like their needs aren’t being represented in that sense. Personally, I think girl gamers have it pretty good these days, what with the Frag Dolls and the girl on G4 and Bayonetta and what not. It used to be that girl gamers didn’t exist but then Guitar Hero and Nintendogs and Farmville came out and we finally hooked them into playing with us real gamers. Now when I see a player online and think maybe shes a girl I’ll say “Hey, are you are girl? so I can congratulate her for playing on her own and ask to be Live friends. It’s a empowering time for that other gender, and I’m glad to be part of it. But that’s what I do as a hardcore gamer. It’s right there in the word: hard-core–my gaming core is hard from the years of gaming I did, but it also cares about things like helping possible girls.

Being hardcore–let’s revisit that for just a moment–being that means I’m compelled to represent myself as such, whether by staying up all night giving noobs the business for literal hours or by taking part in a heated, controversial, multi-thread throwdown over the tone of the latest SOCOM trailer, or by writing a third and fourth letter to the editor in chief of Nintendo Power demanding that he bring back Howard & Nester and fire Alan the slime, if he’s still there. I’m just saying, there are issues I as a hardcore individual need to attend to on a regular basis that lower level “participants, with their Animal Crossings and Angry Birds and Mario Paints, just arent going to worry about. And what about N4G, the boiling lifeblood of any self-respecting hardcore gamer–without that fool-proof temperature system thing, how’d anyone ever know about “gaming’s best attractive broads” or how you can get that uptight girl of yours into gaming (bless her heart), or why two PS3s and a 32X taped together still couldn’t beat a 360.

Really though, it’s important for every gamer to note there systems place on the ladder of picture graphics rendering betterness. Being able to make beautiful, life-like worlds wherein I may live and breath and play multiplayer is really the only thing that matters in this day and age, and gamers such as myself feel, rightfully, insulted and betrayed when complete and utter graphical parity is not given to us on each console. If we don’t hold developers and ourselves accountable by bitching and carping and comparing screenshots, then the fight is already lost, and if we don’t want to revert back to the stone ages of video game visuals–do you remember how blurry and stiff faces were on the PS2?–its a fight we need to wage without mercy.


Above: No. Mercy.

And really, once we can measure and compare the graphical penae of our systems, we can truly understand the complicated mechanics behind the success of one over another and declare a winner. Some might see that as a barberic mindset, but to us gamers everything is a balls-to-the-wall, face-to-the-grindstone, kick-to-the-beanbag competition, and this is just a necessary blood sport to determine the worthiness of our sleek, shiny (sometimes matte) boxes. Its been that way since ever, and everyone in the industry has to chose a side to survive. And its not about feeling the need to justify the purchase of a system (anyone who says that probably has a PS3), or our own human insecurities–it’s about being straight up better than the competition and proving it with lotsa numbers. Hardcore numbers.

But when numbers alone can’t get the job done, we gamers use the binding, unifying embrace of the internet to carry our high-level discorse and sophisticated gravitas. Our enthusiasm and fevrer are often cause for people to label us fanboys–but what is a fanboy? He (or she. That would be hot.) is the habringer of the hardcore, a voice for the truly dedicated and the truly knowledgeable: a patriot of gaming. Fanboys promote civil, democratic debate, like the Greeks or the Romans did, I think, and without them carrying the flag on the frontlines–because they are our brave, anonymous warriors–we’d all just be subject to our own opinions, and never see the actual way things are or should be. God bless ‘em for there sutblety and enlightenment in these biased, biased times…

I don’t know were we went wrong with impartiality in this wonderful industry, but I for one wish it will return to us one day that we may have some honesty and clarity. I know the phrase “games journalism” is all the hip and trend now a days, but if the numbers I see when I scroll to the bottom of reviews are actually what they apear to be, then this must be the bastard child of the bastard child of the real, honest-to-goodness journalism. Now, I’m not one to point fingers and stir the pot while playing the blame game, but we as gamers deserve better from the phony hacks knuckling their keyboards and deceiving us in exchange for fat, fat sacks and briefcases of corprorate cash. How dare they let any personal experiences and related anecdotes and analysis invade the cut and dryed report on a game we are due. When a “writer” types anything thats not copied verbatim from the back of the game box or a PR statement between the title of the game in the headline and the score it is rightfully due at the bottom, he crosses a moral and ethical boundary, beyond which there is no accountability and these is no fairness and there is no hope and right and wrong have procreated and produced an ambomination of a spawn and there is no turning back because across that boundary is BIAS.

But it’s like I said, I don’t expect much from the intrernet.


  1. Indeed. Editing this and leaving the typos in was possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. ;P

    As much as I shouldn’t have to say this, I know SOMEONE out there will read this piece, misunderstand, and rage in the comments. So allow me to say again–as I did on Twitter and FB–that the typos and grammatical errors are intentional. The “parody” tag should have clued you off, if nothing else.

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