Well, it’s certainly been a year, hasn’t it? From new motion controllers to the return of seemingly long-dead franchises, the gaming industry has had a lot of highs as well as a few lows. So grab some cocoa, add a splash of your favorite liqueur, and let’s take one last look back at 2010 before we head into the new year. Things started off in…

January

…when Apple announced its new device, the iPad, promising to revolutionize media and portable gaming. Unless, you know, you want buttons on your device. Or if you want a portable gaming system to be something you can fit in your pocket. Netflix streaming came to the Wii, giving kids another way to access nudity on their consoles, so that’s always fun. Wii Play was announced to be the best selling video game of all time (or at least since 1995, when NPD started tracking sales); second and third place went to Windows Solitaire and “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” Wives of Rockstar employees complained about their husbands’ working conditions, proving that women can make a big impact on the gaming community, while at the same time Bayonetta was released, setting back the feminist movement by thirty years. Oh, and the struggling PSP Go was almost given a much needed boost as Logitech had planned to release a UMD drive peripheral, which would have been great for using older games with your new handheld. Unless, you know, you want your portable gaming system to be something you can fit in your pocket. However, it never really materialized, much like the Go’s sales. More hardware woes came in…

February

…as Nintendo faced console supply shortages, four years after release of the system. Nintendo swore they had more consoles around the factory somewhere. Probably under all those piles of money. MMO behemoth World of Warcraft was released in China, increasing Chinese partner Netease’s profits 62%. In an unrelated note, Chinese adults living in their parents’ basements also increased 62%. White Knight Chronicles and Dante’s Inferno were released and quickly purchased by people who didn’t know that Final Fantasy XIII and God of War III were coming in just a few weeks. Sony admitted that the PSP Go wasn’t doing as well as they’d hoped, and planned a relaunch of the device, including a free game with purchase. Still few takers. Sony took another misstep in…

March

…when they announced that they were disabling the ability to install other operating systems on the PlayStation 3. This offended about four people. Oh, and the United States Air Force, who were using hundreds of PS3s to form a supercomputer. Infinity Ward heads Jason West and Vince Zampella were fired, vowing to start their own development company. With blackjack. And hookers. Two months after Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver’s release, Nintendo announced the follow-up Black/White… then, a couple of weeks after the DSi XL was released, they announced the follow-up 3DS.  A spokesperson for Nintendo commented on the unusual announcements by saying, “You’re gonna buy the goddamn things anyway.” Sony announced that their upcoming motion control system would be called “Playstation Move,” and that it would in no way be a modest improvement on Nintendo’s four-year old tech. Microsoft had its own tech upgrades in…

April

…when the Xbox enabled the ability to use USB flash drives for storage, making it easier for teenagers to use porn as their dashboard wallpaper. Microsoft immediately began selling USB drives for twice the industry standard price. Later that month Microsoft turned off support for the original Xbox Live, prompting some diehard Halo 2 players to leave their consoles on for days to continue playing. Eventually all the players were dropped, but some say if you turn on your Xbox late at night, you can hear the ghostly voices of Halo 2 players calling you gay. Infinity Ward started hemorrhaging staff. Many players finally reached the thirty-hour mark in Final Fantasy XIII, where the game apparently gets good. Nintendo released Monster Hunter Tri with a special, upgraded Classic Controller, then announced that every game they make from now on would use a Wiimote turned sideways. The company got a bit of bad press, however, in…

May

…when Greenpeace announced that Nintendo was not a green company, except in terms of their headquarters being so full of cash that it looks green from space. Activision announced that the next game in the Guitar Hero franchise will be called Warriors of Rock and will remove the “exciting new features” of previous installments. All eight people still playing Guitar Hero made a fuss. Red Dead Redemption proved that there are still new ideas out there… unless you remember that there was another Red Dead game a few years back. Infinity Ward was now staffed by one guy named Todd, who promises that their next Call of Duty release will be, quote, “bitchin’.” It was announced that purchasers of the PSP Go in the UK will get five free games. When Sony of America was asked if the deal would be matched over here, a representative said, “We still make the PSP Go?” The portable device took another shot in the short and curlies in…

June

…when Nintendo formally unveiled the 3DS at E3, a handheld system with a 3D screen that requires no glasses. Sony was quick to point out that the PSP has a 3D screen “if you’re tripping balls on absinthe and LSD.” Microsoft announced a new, slimmer version of their 360 hardware that is 60% less likely to burn down your home. The company also announced that their motion control technology will be called “Kinect” around the same time that their mobile phone line called “Kin” was a complete failure after about five days. OnLive was released, but no one seemed to notice. Sony further tries to differentiate their Move from the Wii by airing commercials of ethnically diverse families in white living rooms playing sports games. (Note: I was going to insert a joke here about Shigeru Miyamoto appearing on a Move commercial, but at this point Sony’s writing their own goddamn jokes). Speaking of curse words, in…

July

…Double Fine head Tim Schafer called Bobby Kotick a dick, then sort of apologized by calling him Darth Vader instead. In related news, I love Time Schafer. Robert Ebert also sort of apologized for saying that games aren’t art by essentially saying that he should have kept his opinions to himself. The games industry stepped up to the plate, proving that games can be art by announcing, um… Street Fighter x Tekken. Dragon Quest IX and StarCraft II were released, causing a sudden shortage of nerds in public places. StarCraft II sold 1.5 million copies in two days, then decided to have a money-stuffed pillow fight with Nintendo. Twitter came alive with shouts of “Fuck!” every ten minutes following the release of Limbo. It was announced that the PSP Go will not support the upcoming PSP camera peripheral, even as Sony of Australia gave away free games to anyone buying a Go. I swear to God I’m not making up any of this stuff. Microsoft drudged up some complaints of their own in…

August

…when Xbox Live announced an upcoming price increase, despite their competitors offering similar services for free. Microsoft then reminded gamers that Halo: Reach was coming soon, and everyone stopped bitching. BioWare announced that Mass Effect 2 would be coming to the PlayStation 3 next year, but without the ability to import game data from the first game. PlayStation fanboys used this as proof that the PS3 is superior to the 360, though I don’t really understand how. It was announced that Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep would be released for the PSP only on UMD and not in digital form, meaning that PSP Go owners can’t play it. Also, it was discovered that the PSP Go causes thumb cancer. I got thumb strain of my own in…

September

…when Halo: Reach was released, making the world a more beautiful place for everyone (Note: I didn’t notice any gaming news that took place after the release of Reach, so I’m just guessing on everything from here on out). Microsoft announced plans to increase the frequency of Halo releases, then was quickly surprised with an intervention by Tony Hawk and the dudes who make Guitar Hero. Perhaps the biggest surprise of PAX 2010 was the announcement that Duke Nukem Forever, thought canceled after 12 or more years in development, was not only still alive but playable at the show. I went to GameStop for the third time to pre-order the fucking game. Popular retro gaming site Good Old Games pretended to be shut down, then relaunched for no apparent reason. Sony executives quickly decided that this was a brilliant PR move and got to work on doing the same thing for the PSP Go. Also, people noticed in the Terms of Use for the Go that failure to purchase at least one game per month entitles Kaz Hirai to sleep with your wife. California tried to take away my games, or something. Had to do with lawyers. I didn’t quite understand what was going on there. More trouble brewed in…

October

…when Bungie and Blizzard punished a combined 20,000 cheaters (from Halo: Reach and StarCraft II, respectively) with score resets and bans. This ended cheating in video games forever. Sony celebrated the 10th anniversary of the PlayStation 2 by continuing to sell the damn things in stores — and outpacing PSP sales. Pictures were leaked of a possible PSP phone, to which Sony replied, “That phone is just a friend. The PSP Go is my only love. You know that, baby, right?” Fallout: New Vegas was released and was immediately found to have bugs and glitches that can freeze your game, make it impossible to fire a weapon, sterilize you, and subject you to TSA pat-downs in your own home. Tony Hawk Shred, the follow-up to last year’s Ride, was released. No one seemed to notice. Things got a little more hands-off in…

November

…when Microsoft launched its hands-free gaming system, Kinect. It immediately turned out that no one in America, except for Bill Gates, had a living room large enough to use the thing. A new Xbox dashboard was released around the same time, pissing off people who like getting pissed off at things. By the end of the month, it was announced that Kinect had sold 2.5 million units to Move’s 4.1 million, though to be fair, half of the Moves sold turned out to be PSP Gos with blue balls taped to the end. Sony proved it had learned its lesson on how to bungle portable system launches when rumors began circulating that the PSP2 was actually a different device than the PSP phone, so there will be two Sony devices that no one will buy next year. Some companies did see some sales, however, in…

December

…when Blizzard launched the World of Warcraft: Cataclysm expansion, creating the best-selling PC game launch of all time. Super Mario All Stars proved that Nintendo can repackage a 17-year old game and still sell it for thirty bucks to this day. Nintendo and Blizzard then announced a joint venture to build a castle made out of money on the moon, and to get there via a ladder, also made of money. Uncharted 3, Mass Effect 3, and Elder Scrolls V were announced, ensuring that I won’t see my wife for about three months at the end of next year. Sony ran into the PSP Go at a party, but didn’t say hi. Sony later called the PSP Go from home, drunk, and swore that the Go was the only handheld that ever understood Sony.

And that was 2010! Raise your glass with me to an excellent year of gaming, and here’s to an even better 2011!