Look alive people, there’s one mother of a flying gunship headed our way! The town’s completely defenseless so it’s up to us to make sure that warship never reaches its destination! I know you’re scared, but we’re the only ones who can do this. We’ll have to board this monstrosity while it’s still in the air, and take it down fast. Don’t worry, the defenses are completely automated so as long as you step lively you won’t end up with a rocket in your keister. Just make sure you take down that gargantuan flying death machine before it gets to town and everything will be fine. What’s that? “How will we destroy it?” Simple! Just grab a hacksaw and start cutting!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Patchwork Heroes.
In a nutshell, the game is all about cutting massive warships apart piece-by-piece. Of course like any fantastically goofy (read: freaking amazing) game, there’s much more to it than that. You and your rag-tag band of freedom fighters must board several individual ships of very different shapes and sizes, avoid turrets and robot bugs, rescue imprisoned comrades and eventually cut off so much of the warship that it ceases to function. Cutting off a piece will stall the warship; the larger the chunks the longer the reprieve. Power-ups scattered throughout each level can be used to increase your movement speed, stop time, increase the blast radius of your bombs and more. And still, this only scratches the surface.
I could go into more detail about the usage of a special meter, the difference between easy-to-cut materials and reinforced ones or the insane amounts of strategy needed to work around enemies that can repair cut sections, but that would take too long. Instead, I’m going to focus on telling you why you need to play this game.
The short answer is; “Because it’s a heck of a lot of fun.” A slightly longer answer deals with a few more particulars. For starters, there’s a ridiculous amount of content in this little downloadable. I’ve completed the story mode (30 levels in all), and have done more than a few missions several times on each of the three difficulties and in Time Trials. I’ve messed around with the Graveyard, paying my respects to comrades who have given their lives to save their home. I’ve delved into the Challenge Mode with a multitude of unlockable stages (also with the choice of three difficulties and a Time Trial). I’ve completed ten of these stages and unlocked ten more, with ten more to follow after those are finished, I’m sure. And you know what? The little ticker underneath my progress bar says I’m about 36% done. Yeah.
As much as I enjoyed the Story Mode, with its delightful “paper-like” art style (Nintendo take note: this is how Paper Mario should look) and quirky humor, it was really just training for the Challenge Mode. Let me tell you, these levels are brutal. Oh sure, they start off innocently enough with you saving all of your friends on a small ship with a short time limit. Child’s play. Then things ramp up. Here, try to cut up this massive warship in five seconds. Okay, now cut up this other warship that’s completely reinforced with metal, meaning you can only cut through it using your special attack and bombs. Finished? Cool. That was just a warm up. Now you have to tear this new ship apart without being able to cut. It’s harsh, it’s mean-spirited and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t keep me coming back for more every time I have my PSP and a few minutes to kill.
Patchwork Heroes is fundamentally a puzzle game; an action-based puzzle, but a puzzle game nonetheless. Cutting up warships strategically in order to preserve locked-up comrades seems like a simple idea, but towards the endgame things get much more cerebral when dealing with oddly shaped monstrosities which force you to zoom out and plan every cut carefully. And the choice between a quick cut and a five-second stall or the much riskier preplanned removal of a gigantic chunk and a thirty-second stall is never easy to make while the timer ticks down and you’re surrounded by turrets. It’ll test your reflexes and your brain, and there aren’t many current games which can make that claim.
Granted it’s not all sunshine and snippity-snips. Patchwork Heroes is a great game, but it does have a few nagging issues. The game possesses a quirky soundtrack to support the quirky… everything else… but it’s only comprised of a handful of songs. Like maybe three or four major ones. This means the music, despite being playful and enjoyable, does get very repetitive. Thankfully it’s not of the “make you want to jam a fork in your ear to stop the torment” variety, but it’s noticeable. Secondly (and perhaps lastly), there were several occasions where I ended up either failing a level or losing a buddy or two because of some questionable moments with the pathfinding. I’d be cutting away, then find myself on the wrong side of the gulf I’d just made, which then forced me to loop all the way around to reach the proper side. A similar issue has cropped up more than once that has lead to my squad getting “stuck” for a few moments while I try to figure out why I can’t move (hint: it was because of a minuscule gap in my path) and getting pummeled by robo-critters and heat-seeking missiles.
Yes, it’s a weird and quirky Japanese game. Yes, it’s “not for everybody.” But it’s also addicting, fun, crammed with style and practically bursting with stuff to do and unlock. And yes, it’s totally worth your time. So go ahead and buy Patchwork Heroes. If not for yourself, then for the rest of us who’d like to see a sequel.
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Things We Liked: Insane amounts of content will keep you busy for a long time. Addicting and charming. Features the best use of paper-inspired graphics to date. Cutting off roughly half of a warship in one go and watching the “Stall” timer start at 45 seconds.
Things We Disliked: Repetitive soundtrack. Imperfect pathfinding at times. Menus lag slightly.
Target Audience: Puzzle fans looking for something a little different. People who love the PSP’s library of quirky titles (such as Patapon or Half-Minute Hero). Anyone with ten bucks and an open mind.
(Patchwork Heroes – Developer: Acquire. Publisher: Sony. Available on PlayStation Portable via PlayStation Network. New to CFD!’s reviews? Read our explanation here.)
